Photo: Vasyl Hnyp
You ever notice that when something brings us discomfort, we’re more liable to just immediately react, and that typically that reaction is maybe not our best moment? Me too! That dude cuts you off on the highway and we get this immediate sense of anger where we want to flip him off or use language that we’re not the most proud of a few minutes later. I feel ya, we’ve all been there. I’d also suffice to say that most times that feeling of anger is not temporary and carries into the next activity/interaction/etc that takes place in our world.
What if I told you that there’s a different way to approach these same situations? Rather than reacting, we take the response approach. Maybe you’re thinking, what the heck is this guy talking about? What’s the difference? Well, I like to think of a reaction as an immediate behavior/emotion that occurs as a result of an external stimuli. You know, like we’re driving along and homeboy cuts you off. You get pissed! As far as response, I’d think of this as when you’re in school and the teacher asks a question to the class. In almost all cases, you take a moment or two (or more if you’re me) and then raise your hand once you’ve worked through the question in your head. It’s quick yet not immediate. It takes at least a sliver of thought and often leads to a positive result.
Now, the anger that is caused by the dude cutting you off is a direct response of fear (fear that we or someone else in the vehicle may be injured), but that’s a whole other blog in it itself. We’re looking to find a pause in that moment of tension to relax into the moment, relax into the instance that’s giving rise to the negative emotion. Really dig deep to see what the root is. I’ll never tell you that you’re not allowed to be angry again. In fact, I think anger is a good check engine light for us to look a bit deeper, but if we start to look deeply into the anger that’s caused by some aggressive driving what we find is that the fear that has led to this anger, is inconsequential. I mean yeah, it sucks that the man cut you off and potentially put you in harm’s way, but you becoming angry and even driving aggressively up to that man to “give him a piece of your mind” will never make him not have cut you off. The incident happened, it will never have not happened and the more emotion you put into this, the more you’ll suffer.
So I challenge you to take a backseat (not literally if you’re driving) the next time something like this happens. Maybe it is a person cutting you off, maybe it’s a loved one making a critique. Take a moment when you feel those feelings come up (I know you know what I’m talking about) and look at the situation for what it is. Really think about your response before you let anything come out of your mouth or allow that emotion overtake your mind. I think quite often, we might all see that what we are becoming bothered by is something that can’t change, that’s already taken place. And if it’s not this, our thoughtful words may lead to a more positive result.